Paratwar Nayana Kapil
Psychologist/ Counselor
The following is an actual conversation between an iCliniq user and a doctor that has been reviewed and published as a Premium Q&A.
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Patient's Query
Hello doctor,
I have lost my father and brother in the last four years. My father died in a road accident and my brother committed suicide. I feel alone inside my mother is with me, and my husband and his family are very supportive in this situation. But I have a constant feeling that I am alone, I am left alone, nobody is there for me and I will lose everyone. I love my husband very much, he also loves me. But now I have a constant fear of losing him. I fear that my mother will also leave me and no one will be there for me. I also have a niece from my brother. She is 2 years old. I love her very much, but my sister-in-law has taken her away from us. My mother also feels worried for her granddaughter and then I feel that my mother does not love me and she is only worried about her granddaughter, and everybody is with me for any reason, my husband loves me, he loves me a lot but I also fear of losing him. Kindly help.
Hello,
Welcome to icliniq.com.
What you are going through is grief. The hurt of losing someone very close creates a hole in us. We feel lonely as we have lost a deep connection with ourselves. I do understand the sense of loss and the empty deep spot. What you are experiencing with other relationships is the projection of your deep sense of loss. I would encourage you to express your grief. You can talk to some friends. You can also write a letter to your father and brother expressing your love and hurt and fears. I am also available if you want to talk more. Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to reach out. The hole will only be filled with a lot of self-love. Unfortunate incidents are always out of our control. Total surrender, all we can do is say yes. This has happened. Experience it and embrace your inner child.
Thank you
Patient's Query
Hello doctor,
I feel that nobody is directly connected to me now, my in-laws care for me because of my husband and my mother's priority is her granddaughter. I feel they do not think of me, my mother will also go one day, and they all will never look back at me. I feel I am the bad child left alone to suffer, and they will be happy without me in life. I feel I am getting punished, I do not have grudge against anyone, but I just cannot accept this. I never look at my father or brother's photos now because I just do not know, nobody understands. I know everybody around loves me, they are worried for me, and my husband is worried, but nobody understands what is inside me. In fact, I myself do not know what I am feeling, there is intense hurt like my piece of heart is taken away from me. I try to smile, but it feels wrong, I recently got married, and my married life is also affected, if I try to get happy with my husband and try to spend time with him, I feel my mother will be left alone, if I spent time with my mother I feel I am doing wrong with my husband. I am not able to prioritize. I am unable to think, unable to decide, unable to express, nobody understands, not even me That is how I feel.
Hello,
Welcome back to icliniq.com.
Accept whatever you are feeling. Do not reject it. What your going through is suppressed sadness. These five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I think you are in between anger and depression. There is a lot of anger due to unfinished business between you and your father and brother. Like the why questions regarding death. This anger is manifested as sadness. Why you are left behind is your anger. If not this then what? It was meant to happen this way. The suffering that you have been experiencing would have been experienced by them then. Try and find solace that the one who is strong enough to experience the death of the father and brother is you. Your mother is also trying to cope by diverting her attention to the granddaughter. Everyone tries their best. You find out the meaning of why you are here. Try and be there for your own self.
Thank you.
Patient's Query
Hello doctor,
I feel that I am not that important and if I would have gone then maybe no one was affected this much. Sometimes I want to scream, but I think nobody will understand, and if I smile, I feel that I am doing something wrong. I really want to talk to my brother and father, I always told my brother that I am there for him, then also he took this step, he did not think that what will happen to him. I really miss him. I have lost everyone. I am seeing my family finishing one by one. I cannot accept this. I am not ready to accept this. I want to be carefree and enjoy.
Hello,
Welcome back to icliniq.com.
Do not blame yourself for the incident as we are mere human beings. Our guilt comes from a sense of responsibility that we might have done something. But the harsh truth is, no we did what we could have. I think you have been very strong for everyone else while facing the tragedy. You have to open up and start a conversation. Find a way to express your grief. What you have is survivor's guilt. It shows that there are unresolved emotions. I would encourage you to talk. Also, I would suggest screaming loudly in a safe environment where you might feel judged. You can scream on a roller coaster ride. You can while loud music is on. You can scream with your friend in a house lonely. There are a lot of pent-up emotions. Once you do this you will cry a lot. This will help you. Also, there are ayurvedic therapies that help you to vomit out. Vomiting in a safe therapeutic setting will help you. Have a catharsis. Do not attempt at home.
Thank you.
Patient's Query
Hello doctor,
I am not the strong one, everybody thinks that I am very strong and I can face any situation. This is why I am in this situation, I am not strong and do not want to get pampered. I do not want to be a strong one.
Hello,
Welcome back to icliniq.com.
You have been showing a strong face. This suppresses your emotions. That is why I suggested these things. You do not have to be strong. You just allow yourself to express yourself without thinking about what others need or think for a moment.
Thank you.
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