Is a person's sudden anger connected to blaming behavior?

Question

Hello doctor,

I often get angry and realize that my behavior is not always expected. When something does not go the way I hope, I start shouting. I become upset easily and have trouble recognizing my own mistakes. Instead, I tend to focus on and point out others' mistakes.

Please help.

Thank you.

Answer 1

Hi,

Welcome to icliniq.com.

I have gone through your query and understand your concern.

Anger is an unhealthy negative emotion, except when getting angry is required to take a productive step. The answer to your question lies hidden as a hint in your question itself.

The belief that “nothing should ever go against my expectation” seems to be a condition you have created in your mind. Therefore, when this condition is not met, your natural reaction becomes anger.
It is not just an expectation, but a strong inner demand that “everything must go as per my wish.” The stronger this demand, the more intense the anger.
However, anger doesn't need to be the only response when things do not go according to plan. You always have a choice to respond differently.
You must begin by changing this demanding way of thinking to gain control over your anger.

A more rational and helpful way of thinking would be, “I want things to go as per my expectations, but if they do not, it is not a terrible situation, and I can tolerate it.” Thinking this way gives you the power to choose your response to how things unfold.

You also mentioned that you cannot see your mistakes and often focus on others' mistakes. It is not necessary to always find someone to blame, including yourself.

Sometimes, there may not be a mistake.
What you consider a mistake from your perspective might not be seen the same way by someone else, based on their point of view.
It is also not necessary to feel ashamed or put yourself down for struggling with anger. What matters is acknowledging that you tend to respond with anger and recognizing that there are other ways to respond more peacefully.
Consider what purpose your anger is serving. Often, it leads to more problems than solutions.

When something goes wrong, ask yourself,

Is this something I can tolerate longer?
Can I respond to this situation better?

Practicing this thought process daily will help prepare your mind for real-life situations that do not go according to plan.

Here are some points to think about:

Events and situations do not directly cause anger; rather, our thoughts, interpretations, and beliefs about them trigger anger.
We can change those interpretations and beliefs, which gives us power over our emotions.
Most of the conclusions we draw from events are assumptions or personal opinions, which may not always be accurate. (For example, if something goes wrong, it might simply indicate that there is room for improvement.)
Changing how we think about situations makes us emotionally stronger. This means we can manage anger even if the same triggering event happens again.

Psychotherapy for anger management can be very helpful in learning and practicing these skills.

This reply gives you some direction for your work.

I hope I have answered your question.

Let me know if I can assist you further.

Thank you.