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How to handle my husband with effective communication?

The following is an actual conversation between an iCliniq user and a doctor that has been reviewed and published as a Premium Q&A.

Medically reviewed by

iCliniq medical review team

Published At October 20, 2016
Reviewed AtDecember 4, 2023

Patient's Query

Hi doctor,

My husband is very broad-minded and good-hearted. He is an all-rounder in every arena, both at home and outside. He can manage anything and can do any task. But, he quickly gets irritated when saw any flaw around. He expects me to be a 100 % perfectionist in any work at home. Due to the irritation, he was throwing nasty slang. It does not mean anything serious. It is natural from his side and after two minutes he forgets everything. But, I cannot cope listening to these slangs. It is mentally affecting me. However, I did not blame him. I tried to analyze the cause of his irritation and I found that he has financial panic and stress. So, I pushed him to start giving tuition to IT professionals. As he is getting extra earnings, he feels better with more confidence now. Also, I pushed him slowly to join a spiritual community where they offer breathing exercise techniques for free and he said that he got benefited from it. Also, I observed that the frequency of his irritation reduced.

Even though he has reduced his irritation, I really do not know to handle him when he shouts after me horribly and talks rubbish. He treats me very low at that moment. Otherwise, he is very fine with me and those are just a matter of moments. I am very gentle, and soft-natured, and hardly argue with others. But, this affects my emotional level certainly, and nowadays, I simply repeat his words to him and then he stops. Apart from the above issue, he is a caring and responsible guy. I adjusted to him for the last six years and now I have a baby.

What message will my baby get when my husband will shout over me with nasty and dirty slangs in dominating and highly irritating manner? Will it impact my baby or she will ignore it? How to handle my husband with effective and strong communication? We both are working. I am managing my 11-month-old baby and doing half a day of office for the baby. I have OCD and acute psychosis symptoms. If my stress gets triggered for any reason, I may get stress headaches and can hear mild auditory hallucinations. All the above problems of mine started before two to three years. I am 90 % fine after having a baby.

Answered by Mehwish Mursaleen

Hi,

Welcome to icliniq.com.

I completely understand that you are facing a hard time dealing with your husband at times he gets irritated and you feel concerned about your baby if she gets affected by this attitude. Here, I am telling you something related to psychological theories and research findings on how children form perceptions. Kids generally are very observant of their parent's behavior and communication problems. It never gets ignored once the child has listened, watched, felt, and registered it in mind. The important thing here to note is the child observes both of her parents and makes an impression. If one parent is argumentative and the other handles it gently, so that the issue is resolved in a humble manner from both of the parents then definitely it will give the child a sense that problems can be resolved in a peaceful manner. If one parent is irritable, abusive, and aggressive in front of the child and the other does nothing to resolve the issue, then the child will get a perception that things cannot be solved. If one is shouting and aggressive and the other parent also shouts in response, the child will get the idea that the only way to resolve the problems is to become aggressive and shout at others. Definitely, the child will adopt any kind of the above-mentioned attitude in her later life to solve similar kinds of problems. Another important thing is, it depends on the child's perception of how she perceives the problems and situations in life. If she perceives and attributes positively to her parents, then she will develop a positive frame of mind. And, if she perceives it negatively so the matter will affect her negatively. So, it is not always the parents who become the reason for the child's behavior. Children also have their own perceptions and personality, which defines what the child will get in life. Therefore, both things are important for a child's development that is the environment or the people around her and the child's individual self and personality.

Thank you.

The Probable causes

Communication patterns may get disturbed if one or both of the partners are going through some stress, psychological problems, or any sort of personality pattern that clash with each other.

Investigations to be done

A psychological assessment of both partners is necessary when there is a partner-related problem. Together, you both can consult a psychologist (family therapist) for assessment, so that the communication patterns of both the partners can be assessed and guided towards positive growth. Because, in the case of only one partner suffering from psychological illness, individual psychotherapy is suggested. But, if both are having some psychological issues, first of all, they both need individual counseling or therapy and when they complete the individual treatment, their partner-related issues are worked out in couple therapy. Do get your partner assessed psychologically and get confirmed your own diagnosis, so that you can get effective treatment before it affects your offspring.

Probable diagnosis

Partner relational problem.

Treatment plan

Research shows that couple therapy or marital therapy is the best treatment for partner-related problems or communication problems. Do take some couple therapy sessions to work on your communication patterns. As you have mentioned that you are dealing with your husband for a long time, I appreciate; the way you are handling it very well. Keep handling it gently. Here, I am giving you some tips to develop effective communication skills. 1. What you feel is very important to communicate with your partner, whether you feel positive or negative, do communicate it. But, the key to effective communication is the way you communicate it to your partner. For example, if you are giving a positive comment in a harsh or loud tone, definitely it will give a negative sense and the next person will never take it positively. 2. In contrast, you talk in a low and humble tone. You can talk to your partner that you feel very concerned that your baby will be affected by your words. She may not learn what we are saying in front of her and she might not get fearful of our loud tone. You do not hit the person directly, but try to tell your real feelings and concerns and then definitely it will give a positive sense. 3. The next person will never ignore your concern if you give him the sense that you respect his personality and you like him, but this particular behavior is unacceptable for you and you want him to be more likable. 4. Always use positive affirmations in your language if you want others to listen to you. For example, I respect what you are going through, I am always there for you, I want to see you happy, you are a very nice person, and any other positive phrases. If you start your talk with positive things and then lightly come to the negative aspect, it will definitely give another person the sense that you really want him to improve, rather than trying to hit or hurt. 5. Take care of your verbal (the words you say) and nonverbal messages (body language). If both are congruent, you will be considered true and genuine. If you say that I am happy, but your body posture or facial expressions say that you are not happy inside and something is wrong, then the next person will definitely believe in your body language and not your words.

Preventive measures

I appreciate that you are concerned regarding your baby at this initial stage. Do take help to deal with the issues before it affects your child. Because, once the child's personality patterns are formed, then it is very difficult for the parents to reshape it.

Patient's Query

Hello doctor,

I have described my husband below. He is 5 feet and 8 inches tall and he feels even a 6 x 7-foot standard-size single bed is not enough. He needs to sleep alone in that bed to sleep well, even though he does not move much. Is this an adjustment issue? He gets extremely irritated and starts throwing slang if his sleep gets disturbed. If I tell him any work he will never do it. But, as I am forgetful at home about many things, he shouts at me. After coming back from the office, he wants me to assist him in each and everything. But, I feel bad when he is not ready to help me. He complains about me every time when I forget something. Even if I convince him my forgetfulness is not intentional, then he shouts this is my disease. As it is my disease, why he is behaving so negatively toward me? When I convinced him about the irritation issue and marital counseling, he said he is not willing to attend. But, apart from these issues we both love each other very much and we are a 98 % happy couple. The magic of love bond helps us to forget everything, but my concern is, as we have a baby now it would be immensely helpful if he can rectify his irritated expressions. From the above features, do you feel he has adjustment or irritation, or impatience issues?

Answered by Mehwish Mursaleen

Hi,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

As you have stated that you both are 98 % happy and fine most of the time. These minor irritations subside after a few minutes, there is an indication that all these are a part of daily issues everyone encounters while dealing with a partner or a family.

Thank you.

The Probable causes

Daily stressors or workload may cause irritation and argument among family members.

Investigations to be done

Psychological testing.

Differential diagnosis

It needs to be differentiated whether his symptoms are clinically significant or is it a normal daily life matter.

Treatment plan

You both need to visit a psychologist or a family therapist for psychological assessment. It is not always that a person suffering from a confirmed diagnosis can go to a psychologist for help, psychological assessment clearly shows the need for any kind of treatment or if the issues are normal and do not require clinical attention or only a few sessions are required for counseling. It is just like if you go to a psychologist for personality testing, career counseling, parental guidance, or any other kind of knowledge about the self. So, the psychologist administers relevant tests and then shares the findings with you. I suggest you and your partner get tested on anything which bothers you. Just go to a psychologist, tell about the problems and ask for relevant tests to be administered and then get the feedback. The information you provided about your partner seems to be a quite normal daily life attitude, which anyone can exhibit. But since you are very concerned about him and your baby, it is always recommended to get confirmed findings of standard psychological tests before making any assumptions regarding the person.

Patient's Query

Hello doctor,

I have started a lot of creative hobbies for self-satisfaction and my husband immensely encourages me. Also, his irritation gets diverted and reduced and I am also happy with his cooperation. He immensely loves me and cares for me always since the beginning of my life from the time I knew him. But the only thing is his irritation in the last two to three years due to his financial stress etc has bothered me a lot as I too love him a lot and hence I was getting emotionally affected. I think I can handle this issue now as the focus is on creative tasks and joy. So thinking more about that now. I have another issue that is since the time I have been back in my office after maternity, in office one local authority person is talking against me to someone over the phone saying negative things about me. Not only this, today he uttered my husband's name over the phone to someone. I am worried. I do not have any proof of this happening. This is really happening and my hubby does not believe it. What to do?

Answered by Mehwish Mursaleen

Hello,

Welcome back to icliniq.com.

As you mentioned that you are a loving couple and have a happy life. There can be such times in life when every one of us can get frustrated or irritated due to life stressors (e.g. financial issues). The good thing about you is you understand the causes of his irritation and find ways out to deal with it very effectively. Do continue doing things that you both enjoy. Finding some time out from stressful things and doing something creative, enjoyable, and relaxing is the best way to relieve daily stress.

Thank you.

The Probable causes

Anyone can be apprehensive if observes something negative happening around them. If someone perceives the situation negatively then there is a 100 % chance that negative thoughts will emerge in the mind automatically. Negative automatic thoughts such as something terrible is happening, something will go wrong, etc. lead to negative emotions such as worry, and fear and this affects our behaviors such as avoiding the situations, being aggressive, argumentation, etc.

Investigations to be done

We need to check the validity of our thoughts. Check out the proofs: in favor of and against negative thoughts. One way to check out the validity of thoughts is how people around us think or say about the situation. Another way is to check by ourselves if we find no proof to our thoughts then it is an indication there may be some contradictions to our negative thought. Find more proof against your negative automatic thoughts. This helps us to test the reality. If we find more contradictions and no proof of negative thoughts/beliefs, our mind gets prepared to believe that there may be other ways we can see that situation. When we see the situation differently (or positively) then the consequences (behaviors) are also positive.

Probable diagnosis

Insufficient information to diagnose.

Treatment plan

The above strategies I mentioned to test your thoughts are part of cognitive behavioral therapy, which is the most recommended treatment for your problem. You are advised to take cognitive behavior therapy sessions with a psychologist. Detailed assessment of your thoughts and alternative positive thoughts will be suggested when you work with a psychologist to find out solutions for problems you are facing in real-life circumstances.

Preventive measures

Do start taking therapy sessions with a psychologist. The more time we give to our negative automatic thoughts, the stronger they become and then it gets difficult for us to change our beliefs or thoughts.

Regarding follow up

Do take follow up if you need further information.

Same symptoms don't mean you have the same problem. Consult a doctor now!

Mehwish Mursaleen
Mehwish Mursaleen

Psychologist/ Counselor

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