Q. I am having a marital problem because of my past relationship. Please help.

Answered by
Mehwish Mursaleen
and medically reviewed by iCliniq medical review team.
This is a premium question & answer published on Oct 04, 2017

Hi doctor,

I am a 27 year old male. I have been married for one and a half years, but I cannot forget my ex-girlfriend. I fell in love with a girl, and one day it was all over because she cheated me. We were in the relationship for eight years. The first time when I discovered that she was cheating on me, I ignored it because I was truly in love with her. But when she cheated again, I could not ignore and decided to call off our relationship. But, she told me that she is an immature girl (at the age of 25 years), feeling guilty for it and wants to continue the relationship. However, I could not trust her any longer and decided to quit.

A few months after the breakup, I had an arranged marriage with a girl from my own family. She is a nice, average-looking girl. I do try to love her and fulfill all her desires. We have an ideal life for the outside world. But, I do not have any sexual feelings for her. Whenever I foreplay with her, I hardly feel sexually aroused, and I do not get enough erection for penetration. We have sex twice or thrice a month. I had a capsule given by my friend before sex to keep my erection hard to penetrate. As the capsule had Viagra, I stopped taking it a few months ago, and I did not have sex with my wife since last two to three months.

First, I thought I have ED, but I do get very hard morning erections or if I watch a romantic scene on the TV. I also feel sexually aroused whenever I think about my ex-girlfriend. Even though I try to have the same feelings for my wife, I do not have any. I never thought I would be a sad and depressed guy at the age of 27. Sometimes, I close my eyes and pray that my life would end, because I do not want to live a life where I could not love my wife and also could not forget my ex-girlfriend. She is in my senses, and it is killing me. I am living a traumatic life and have fake happiness on my face for the sake of my family. Please help me.



Welcome to

I completely understand that you are concerned about your sexual functioning.

  • As you have mentioned that you are experiencing erectile dysfunction, few things need to be clarified.
  • It is not about getting aroused during a movie, remembering your ex-girlfriend, or imagining some scene. If your actual function in real life or sex life is disturbed, it may point towards erectile dysfunction or any other kind of sexual dysfunction. It may be due to psychological factors such as sexual abuse, mismatched partner, any beliefs of a person regarding sexual experiences, physiological or medical reasons.
  • To rule out the medical cause, you need to consult a gynecologist for testing. If the doctor confirms that you do not have any medical issues, then it is quite certain that your problem is psychological for which psychological treatments like sex therapy will help you to overcome the erectile dysfunction.
  • Further, the following information is required to understand better and diagnose your problem.
  1. Do you have any previous experience of better sexual functioning (it can be with the current or the previous sexual partner)?
  2. Did you ever get a complete erection with the current partner (without medication)? Or there are no such instances?
  • The diagnosis can be an erectile dysfunction, generalized or situational or with a particular partner.
  • Treatment plan:
  1. When the cause for your condition is confirmed purely as psychological, the first step would be towards working on your beliefs or thoughts.
  2. Try to find out your negative beliefs regarding sexual experiences, for example, sex is not a pleasurable thing, I am not that much active or sexually intense as it is in the movies or porns, my previous girlfriend was the only girl who could satisfy me, etc. These examples will help you to find out your beliefs.
  3. When you are done with picking your negative beliefs, change them into a positive thought such as, sex is definitely a pleasurable experience, and I can enjoy it, my wife is beautiful or attractive, I like my wife and want to give her a satisfactory sex life, I can get satisfaction in my real life but not from the movies or porn.
  1. Think about some positive qualities in your wife. It can be physical characteristics such as beauty, smile, facial features or anything you like about her. One important thing is that never compare your wife with others, especially with your ex-girlfriend, as it can be an interfering factor in your love with your current partner. Every individual is unique and has positive qualities, so is your wife.
  2. Spend a quality of time with your partner. It can be, watching a romantic movie together or cuddling during the romantic scenes, etc. Hug or kiss her many times a day, not only when you are going to have intercourse, but all the time when you feel good about your wife.
  3. Compliment your wife. Praising her beauty, the food she makes or anything she does for you which you like.
  4. Maintain complete focus on your wife during the foreplay or sexual intercourse. If you have any thoughts which distract you from your wife, pick them and change into positive ones (as mentioned above).
  5. Do communicate with your partner, what you like or dislike about sex, the things you want from the partner to sexually satisfy you, what she wants you to do, etc. They will also help you maintain the focus during sex.
  6. Do make changes if you and your partner like some particular things in the room setting like dim lighting, colors, wearing special kind of dresses in the room, etc. It will also help you focus better on your partner.
  7. It is very important that you get completely relaxed before the sexual encounter. Always foreplay (cuddle, hug, kiss, massage body parts and genitals) before sex and make your partner ready for sex.
  8. Use aromas, perfumes or creams which can help you feel more enjoyable during sex.
  • Do use the above tips and learn more about how to make your sex life exciting.
  • If you find any difficulty or feel that it is hard for you to implement, then go to a psychologist in your locality for a face to face session. Complete psychotherapy sessions to learn more about your condition and the strategies to overcome it. Any delay in the treatment may worsen your condition.

For further queries consult a psychologist counsellor online -->

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